Dear Gabby,

            I've written and re-written this so many times but I think this one will be the last. I'm not even sure you're ever going to see this or read it but, I hope. Hence I will not waste your time with lengthy sob stories, I'll get down to the facts.

The past years have been the hardest I've had to endure. My memories plague me of how immature and inexperienced I was and how disillusioned I was due to my own low self-esteem. The truth is, I've never felt like anything much in my life. When we became friends that all changed for me which is why it was such an important event in my life. For the first time in my life I felt as though I meant something. For the first time I didn't think of myself as such a loser anymore. I felt like a winner around you because I felt as though you accepted me for me and I didn't have to put on a show.

I know all you wanted was for me to admit my flaws and how much of a Jackass I was being. To say, "Scabs, I have no excuses and no self-justification. I am wrong but this is how I feel....." but I didn't. Instead I continued to lie, make up tons of excuses and self-justify my every action, but please understand my situation. Before you I never laughed so hard before, I never smiled so real before, I never felt so happy in my entire life, you made me feel like a winner. I never wanted to remove that image from your eyes. I didn't want to admit my flaws because I always wanted you to look at me in the way you did. I thought that if I told you the truth, you would never forgive me and I would loose you. Forgive my stupidity, I never wanted to loose you.

Last night (Friday 10th September, 2004) you were in movie town with Ria and I glanced and saw you. Instantly I was jolted and I had to turn away. I told my friend, "that's Gabby over there." She was confused at first but she saw the look on my face and realized who I was talking about. She ran to see who this famous "Gabrielle" was as I stood there stupidly with my heart pounding. She came back and we went inside, as she sat me down to tell me what she saw. She looked at me and said, "She has a bright face with a very happy smile. She has a laugh that sounds complete and she is exactly how you described her." I sat there, smiled and remember how your laugh filled the entire room and how your smile changed my life. I didn't come up to you and say hi because I didn't want to create a scene nor did I want to ruin your night. Everyone told me that you were happy now, that you have moved on and are so much better off. I never wanted to believe it but deep down I knew.

I would have given anything to speak with you again but I have to come to terms with the fact that you have no desire to even be in the same room with me. You still haunt my dreams almost every night and you are still in my every thought and it pains more than anything else in this world. People tell me to "grow up", to forget about it and move on, that the past is in the past, to drown out your voice that's always in my head. The truth is I do not want to forget about you nor do I want to drown out your voice because it ties me to the only happy memory that I have. The only place that I still get to see you is in my heart and I don't want to loose that.

I kept on hoping that maybe we may talk again in the future. The promise you made with "no matter what happens we will find each other in 20 years" and a very painful quarter of that time has already elapsed. I know you and I are not the same people anymore, but deep down who we are never change. I never wanted to live in regret all my life by not telling you how I really felt about you, how absolutely stupid and immature I was, how I would do anything for your forgiveness, to see your smile again and to hear your laugh again.

I honestly never meant for anything to go bad between us, I just didn't know how to show my true feelings for you. Although, back then, we could both communicate with each other without words, everything I felt was so overwhelming my better judgment failed. Hopefully one day I will grow up and stop shaking so much when I see you.

If you're reading this I just want to say how great Ria has been. She listened to me and spoke to me as a person not like a mental case like others have. She has also put up with my pathetic nature with a warm smile that never made me feel less of myself. She is a fantastic person and I don't want to bother her with my sob tales anymore. In fact she has been the only help I had when I had no hope.

Thank you for your time and patience

Respectfully,

Sanveer